I’m sitting here writing my next story when Wherever You Are by my friend Ellis starts playing in my ears. Just like that, memories flood my mind. They are the people who have passed on and left this world.
“I’m still here, after I’m gone. In the birds singing their love songs, in the summer sun let me warm your heart. ‘Cause I will always be wherever you are.” – Ellis Delaney
Three years ago today, my Grandma Marlys Hoiland passed on to whatever is next. These are my thoughts and feelings through the lens of a child, and now an adult. Sometimes, we just need to put words to the emotions we carry. For me, this was one of those times.
There is just something about grandparents. As a little kid, I feel like I spent a lot of my time with her and my Grandpa Roger. I vaguely remember the Easter Bunny stopping at her house instead of mine. I think we were staying with Grandpa and Grandma. Mom and Dad were gone somewhere.
One of the coolest things about her? She was a school bus driver. When we went on field trips, there was always a chance she’d be the one behind the wheel. For little me, that was the best thing ever.
But when my grandpa Roger passed in the summer of 1994, things changed. I was just a kid—too young to fully understand what was happening, but old enough to feel the shift. I wanted to spend time with my grandma, but I was afraid to ask. The issues the adults in my life had with each other weren’t mine to carry, but they affected me anyway. So I kept my distance because I didn’t want to make things difficult.
Years later, when I moved to Hutchinson to attend college, I got the chance to reconnect with her. It felt like I was trying to make up for lost time. I made a point to enjoy the moments we had, and to be present. I didn’t bring up the past or the complicated family dynamics—I just wanted to be her grandson.
Then life took me to the big city, and time slipped away again. As things settled down at school, I promised myself I’d see her at least once a year. I kept that promise for many years. I was lucky to have an amazing friend. He would drive me the two-and-a-half-hour drive, just so I could spend an hour or so with her. We shared a meal and a laugh.
When she got sick, we all knew time was short. The family planned a birthday party for her, knowing it would be her last. Once again, my friends rallied around me. They drove me back to that small town. This allowed me to be there. I told her I loved her. I told her I was sorry I didn’t do more. I felt it deeply in my heart. I knew it would be the last time I’d get to say what I had been holding onto for years.
On March 20, 2022, she passed. One final time, my friends stood by me. They drove me to her funeral because they knew—just as I did—that I needed to be there.
“If you don’t want to, don’t say goodbye. Say I’ll see you around the next time.” – Ellis Delaney
As a child, I didn’t have control over the choices being made around me. I felt powerless to bridge the gaps that had formed. But as an adult, I can make my own choices.
I can choose to reach out, to show up, to hold onto the people I love while they’re still here. I can choose not to let the past dictate my present.
I am not capable of changing what happened, but I can learn from it. And I can make sure that when I look back, I have no regrets about the love I’ve given.
Love is something we can choose to hold onto, even when time and distance try to pull us apart. It’s in the memories, the laughter, and the simple moments we share.
I carry my love for Grandma Marlys with me, not just in my heart. It is clear in how I choose to live. I strive to be present. I cherish those I care about. I also never let love go unspoken.
I can’t change the past. I can only strive to be a better person. I aim to do what I know is right. I want to honor the people I love while I still have time.
I love you, Grandma Marlys. Always.
Check out my friend Ellis Delaney and their song Wherever You Are on Bandcamp.
